So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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