wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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