Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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