once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
