You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
