So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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