I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
