Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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