My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
