We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Randomize
