i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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