The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
