You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
