Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
