There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
