k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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