Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
