I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
