i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
