The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I forget how to act sober
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
