im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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