I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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