shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
