She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Pants are for mortals
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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