I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
