I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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