Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
