I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
