My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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