Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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