I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
