i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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