the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
