mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the condom got lost in my hair
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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