my phone needs a breathalizer
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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