He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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