eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
