my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
