I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
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I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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