I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
