I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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