It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
