i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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