We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
