Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
