dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
