Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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