threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Never underestimate the power of titties
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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