Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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