Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
