I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
