Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
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This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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