i need an iv and a liver transplant
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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