I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
