I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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