My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
