she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
