You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
