i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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