I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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