just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
